I Don't Think I Can Do This Anymore
Eco at the end….
This image was taken about a week before he died. Although he was quite old, he was not suffering at this point. A week later though, everything changed and we let him go.
Today I want to talk a little bit about what happens when you realize, suddenly or gradually that you are in over your head with a dog. Sometimes this happens when you are sleep deprived and your 13 week old puppy has peed in the house one time too many, but that sort of thing usually passes. I am thinking here about when you have a dog with a serious behaviour problem, and you realize that your dog, your very special dog, your canine family member is either suffering, or dangerous, and you just cannot live with the situation any longer.
For those of you who are at the beginning of your journey with your puppy, or your adult dog, this blog may be interesting but it is not written with you in mind. This blog is being written specifically for those of you who have a dog in your home whose behaviour problems are profound. Maybe your dog is unable to stay home alone. Or maybe he is so afraid of strangers that a walk in the neighbourhood is beyond their ability. Perhaps he is dangerously aggressive. And for those of you living with these dogs, if you are in the process of getting help, this blog is not for you either; this is for those of you who have already tried, who have already worked with a behaviour consultant or been enrolled in a behaviour program such as our Good Dog Program (https://www.dogsinthepark.ca/dogbehavior), who have consulted their veterinarian, and who are now at the end of their rope. For those of you for whom this blog is written, know that I know how hard this is, but also trust that I am going to share my honest thoughts and experiences here.
So, now that you understand who this blog is written for, let’s get down to business. You have tried. You may be exhausted. You are likely afraid. And after you read this, you have to go and deal with your dog. I want to assure you that it is okay to give up. Yes. It is hard and it will be unpopular, but as far as I am concerned, some of the time the best alternative is to stop trying to chase down one more alternative, one more option, one more intervention or medication or answer. It is okay to say “I cannot do this anymore”. You don’t even need to add a reason. Perhaps it is because your situation has changed, and now you have responsibility for someone who will be injured. Or maybe it is because you are out of financial resources to get help (hiring a behaviour consultant like me is not cheap, and veterinarians, dog walkers and other helpers cannot work for free either!). Maybe it is because your dog’s welfare is deeply compromised now. Or perhaps it is simply because you have plateaued and you have not made enough progress to keep going. It’s okay. You don’t have to explain. While it is never pleasant, when you get to the point where you cannot continue, the reasons you have internally are enough. You don’t need to justify yourself to anyone. You have just come to the point where you cannot continue. I see how hard this is, and I am here to tell you that you will still be loved and lovable, you will still be accepted and it is okay to find another dog later to become your partner.
Aggression…
This dog is incredibly upset. He is not being threatened, but he is behaving aggressively. Luckily we were able to address THIS dog’s issue, but when we cannot we have to seriously consider the best outcome for him. Dogs who behave aggressively do not usually have good welfare.
Now that we are clear that giving up is okay, we have to answer an important question. What are we going to do with our dog? Often, when we come to this point, where we know that we cannot continue as we have, we reflect that it isn’t awful 100% of the time. Aggressive dogs don’t bite 100% of the time. Anxious dogs may have long stretches of time where they don’t encounter their triggers, so they are not anxious. Dogs with separation anxiety may be dangerous to themselves when alone, but when they are in your company, they are calm and usually happy. Even dogs who have forms of generalized anxiety usually have moments through the day when they are not upset. Whatever the problem, you, of all people know that there are wonderful moments in between where the dog is happy and relaxed and people and other pets are calm and safe. This often leads us to second guess and it prompts us to explore all our alternatives.
Our first alternative is to live with the problem. Some of the time, we CAN do this. With a dog with separation anxiety for instance may be able to go to daycare while you go to work, and he may be able to cope as long as you don’t have an oooppps where the dog must be left alone. It gets trickier though if you have a dog who is dangerous to others. Or to you. In those cases, living with the problem is not an option. Which leads us to our next choice.
Crate and Rotate…
Crate and rotate is the management strategy that is usually used to prevent dogs with behaviour problems from getting into trouble. With a young puppy, this is a short lived strategy to help us to prevent toileting accidents. With a dog with a serious behaviour problem it can be a years long commitment, and failure may in fact be a risk for danger to members of the house.
Our next choice is to seek help. There are many different types of help, and I will put in a plug here for one in particular. Dog Behaviour Consultants, either Certified Dog Behaviour Consultants through the International Association of Animal Behaviour Consultants (www.iaabc.org) or Certified Behaviour Consultants Canine through the Counsel for the Certification of Professional Dog Trainers (www.ccpdt.org) are professionals who have rigorous, advanced training to help families whose dogs have behaviour problems are a really solid starting point for getting help. I hold both credentials but either of those credentials will tell you that the holder is someone who understands how to help people who need to resolve a behaviour problem with their dog. Often, I work with my client’s veterinarians, or help them get help from a veterinary behaviourist when I am unable to help them myself.
If you are reading this blog, it is entirely likely that you have already sought help for your canine family member, and you may not have been successful in doing so. In that case, you may have already done everything reasonable. I think one of the biggest issues we have in behaviour consulting today is the idea that many folks have that they must try EVERYTHING. I wish people would understand that we need to do everything REASONABLE. It is not reasonable for instance to quit your job and move to an island in the arctic, and never see anyone or any other dog ever. To begin with, even if you DID do that for your dog, how are you going to afford to do that or afford to feed yourself and your dog? It is reasonable to do that amount of training you have the honest, actual time to do, that is within your budget (understanding of course that when you hire a behaviour consultant you are paying for their time and education and the equipment and overhead of their business, so they cannot discount their fees for you or do it for free, no matter how much we might want to!). It is reasonable to explore the health of your dog within your budget, by paying a veterinarian for his or her services. It is reasonable to implement medications and treatments you can afford and that you are reasonable able to apply. If your dog will not take his pills or tries to harm you when you try and clean his wounds or apply his topical ointment, it is not reasonable to continue. It is not reasonable to try and do more than you can do, either financially, emotionally or within your actual ability.
If it is not reasonable to get help, and you cannot live with the problem, you need to consider more drastic measures. And this is where things get super tricky. I have worked with some very, profoundly, troubled dogs over the course of my career. People never want to send the dog away, but when they cannot live with the problem, and they cannot resolve the problem they start considering new homes. The first thing I see my aggressive dog cases considering is to send the dog to be a guard dog or police dog. What most folks don’t understand is that guard dogs and police and military dogs must start out as stable, confident, people oriented individuals. They are not biting randomly when they bite. Teaching a dog to bite at the right time, and to the right target is hard enough for a stable dog, never mind for a dog who may be anxious, suspicious or unpredictably aggressive. That is not a good idea at all! For the very, very most part, guard work is the last thing I want to get my aggressive dog cases doing!
If you can find a residential facility where people live full time, that wants a dog, that might possibly work for a dog with separation anxiety, as long as there is someone who understands what that means and who will never ever leave the dog alone. The problem is that the ratio of residential homes looking for a dog to dogs who have profound separation anxiety is not good for placing very many of those dogs.
For some dogs, such as those with compulsive disorders that don’t resolve with training and medication, there just aren’t any options. The dog will always exhibit the compulsive behaviours that have lead you to this point. I have worked with a number of dogs like this. Light chasers, blanket suckers, tail chasers and wrist lickers, these dogs may perform their particular compulsion to the extent that they cause themselves serious harm. When you have a dog who chases his tail until he is exhausted, falls over and rests, and then starts all over again, for hours and hours and hours at a time, sending him to a different home is not going help.
Most of the time…
Dogs with behaviour problems usually don’t exhibit their problems all of the time. Often they are happy normal pets much of the time. The difficulty is that when they are exhibiting their behaviour problem they are really struggling.
Many of my clients explore sending their troubled dogs to a rescue, and indeed there are some well meaning rescues who will take these dogs in. Often these rescues are run by well meaning people who just don’t actually know as much as they ought to know about behaviour. They assume that the people who are surrendering these dogs have not tried enough things to address the behaviour issues. If you are already working for a professional, and you have not been able to get help for your dog, you may want to ask the rescue if they have a professional on staff who has at least as much education as the professional you are already working with before sending your dog. Even if they do have access to someone with the experience to deal with the sort of problem your dog has, you may wish to double check and make sure that the rescue has the means to address your dog’s problems. If the rescue is taking in dozens of dogs like yours every year, you may want to ask how they are affording to treat all these dogs. For the record it can cost over $6 000.00 CAD each year to work with me as of 2020, if you needed to work with me for a whole year. Sadly many dogs with profound problems require years of work to resolve their issues, and for every dog kept in rescue for years on end, the rescue cannot take another dog in his place through that time.
In my experience, truly ethical rescues are very upfront about what they can and cannot help, and they never, ever take on dogs they cannot actually help. Every dog they take that they cannot help ends up clogging the supply chain of adoptable dogs, and that is not in the best interest of the shelter or rescue. I know that my opinion is not going to be universally popular, but there it is. Ethical rescues only take in dogs they are able to help and they never place dogs whose behaviour is dangerous.
Some folks want to explore sanctuaries; places where dogs can go and live in a run or hopefully in something more enriched for the remainder of their days. Before considering this, I want to bring up some of the issues that come up in sanctuary. The first of them is staff to resident ratios. How many staff are on site to meet the needs of the dogs. Are there staff onsite at night too? How many people does it take to care for dogs in a sanctuary? I have had long chats about this with colleagues and have heard numbers ranging from one staff person for every 15 dogs, to a high of one staffer for every 40 dogs. If you show up to visit and there are 400 dogs and only one staff member on site, you have to ask yourself how that one person is meeting the needs of all those dogs!
Next consider how much it costs to feed and house your dog. I have seen estimates of about 10 000.00 USD per year, per dog if you want to do it properly. If you have a 3 year old dog, that could amount to three hundred thousand US dollars to keep him till he is 13 and would be likely to die in the sanctuary. If the sanctuary charges you a thousand dollars to admit your dog, then where are the other 299 thousand dollars coming from? The sad fact is that often the money is coming from admitting another dog. And another. And 297 more dogs! This sort of math is why sanctuaries rarely succeed and why it is that the rare good ones are very picky about who they admit. If you are going to consider a sanctuary, you need to know that it has a good track record over time taking care of dogs like yours, and then go and visit every few months to make sure that your dog is continuing to get the care he ought to get. You must also be aware that if your dog finds strangers distressing, or is reactive to other dogs, you are sending him to live out a nightmare because he will have to face those fears every minute of every day for the rest of his life. Sending a dog to a sanctuary, even a good sanctuary, is not sending him to someone who will love and cherish him as you do.
So, if you have come this far, you are now into the meat of what we need to talk about. Some of the time, the best alternative is not to keep going. Sometimes, the best alternative is to understand that just like with physical illness, the most humane alternative is to chose to euthanize your dog. Your special dog. Your friend. Your canine family member. He or she does not deserve to die, and we do not choose euthanasia in retribution. He or she is suffering. If he or she is experiencing anxiety, and it is overwhelming you to the extent where you have considered all the reasonable alternatives, then it is very likely he or she is suffering. If he or she is dangerous, to you, to other people, or to other animals such as the family cat, or any other dog, then those individuals are suffering. Know that it is not normal for a dog to live with the drive to attach all the time. If he or she cannot stay alone without having a panic attack, then he or she is suffering and so is your family. Choosing euthanasia in these circumstances is kind. Choosing to keep going is often selfish on our part, and not in the best interest of good welfare for your dog. This is a terrible, awful choice to face, but it is an important one to consider.
It All Started With Love…
And it will end with love. You will make the right choice for your dog. Your relationship will reflect only the love you felt together, and in the end it will be okay.
In most of the cases where one of my clients has chosen to euthanize their dog, they have been traumatized not by releasing their canine family member, but by all the other circumstances around that choice. It is not an easy choice. Many of my clients say “I wish we had done this sooner”. One client summed it up nicely when she said “I saw peace in his resting body after he died, and I haven’t seen that peace for a long time.” You would not even be considering this choice without having already exhausted every other reasonable choice. It is okay. It is okay to agonize about this choice; it is important! It is okay to consider this choice. It is okay to carry out this choice. You are not a monster for thinking this through. You have done the hard work, and for now, it is time to rest, and ultimately to provide rest to your canine family member. It’s okay. You would not make this choice with anything other than love for the welfare of your friend, your canine family member. They know that, no matter how little they may show that.
Something that I think about often when I talk to my clients about this is that in the end, it will be okay. And if it is not okay, it is not the end. Euthanasia is a very profound ending. It is the end of a life, and an end of a relationship. It is the end of stress and sorrow and danger. It is the end of anxiety and aggression. It is the end of all that we try and keep out of our dog’s lives. Euthanasia may also be a new beginning, where our canine family member stops suffering, and we can begin to heal from our joint traumas with our dog. Another thing that comes to mind is that when the relationship meant something to those of us who remain after our dogs pass on, we will have another relationship to move on to; a new beginning with another dog. Perhaps a young dog. Perhaps a dog who is nothing like our last dog. Perhaps another dog who is very similar to the dog who passed on, but without the problems. If it isn’t okay, it isn’t the end. But when the end comes, it will be okay.
It’s okay.
POST SCRIPT: If you are looking for help making the decision, Sue Alexander, the author of this blog can help. You can enrol in the Good Dog Program, and she will over the course of several weeks help you to determine what the best choice is for your dog. Consultations are held online and give you full access to the Good Dog Program resources.
If you would like to take a low-cost webinar about behavioural euthanasia to learn more, Sue Alexander and her partner Trish McMillan have put together several of these. You can find that by clicking the button below.
If you would like to take a low cost webinar about making the decision in order to go more in depth than can be covered in a blog, please click the button below this section of text.
If you have euthanized a dog due to a behaviour problem, there is a free online resource to support you. Losing Lulu is a Facebook Group owned by Sue Alexander, and run with her co-administrator Trish McMillan and their incredible modmin team. We are committed to keeping Losing Lulu as a safe, supportive community. To that end, you must indicate that you have in some way been touched by behavioural euthanasia (you have directly lost an animal friend or family member to a behavioural euthanasia, you are supporting someone who has gone through this, or you are a trainer, behaviour consultant, veterinarian or member of the veterinary community, for instance). You will be asked three questions in order to join, and if you do not answer them concretely, you will not be admitted to the group! You can join Losing Lulu by using the button below and then following the prompts on Facebook to join.